This Could Be The Start Of Something Big

I have always struggled with my weight, and by that I mean it's always been a struggle to keep meat on my bones. Up until I hit the big 4-0, I was at least 10-15 pounds underweight. I was teased about it as a kid. My mom was always worried that CPS was going to take me away from her due to malnutrition--she's always been dramatic. When I was in college, my phys ed teacher had me keep a food diary because I was "very anorexic looking," her words. Whenever I griped about being too thin, overweight people never failed to remind me how "lucky " I was. Oh I can't tell you the number of times they told me, "I used to be your size when I was young. You better be glad you're small because once you start putting weight on, it's hard to stop and harder to take off!" Well I will have you to know...that they were absolutely right. Middle-age spread is HERE with 4 large suitcases asking which bed is hers.

I'm the stick wearing the bitchin' 80's glasses!

I am 5'10', and I now weigh 144lbs. Somewhere along the way, I've gone from a size 6 to a size 10. I'm not skinny anymore; I have a small frame, so I'm slender/curvy...with a gut. Even though I hated being a stick, I was an aspiring model and took pride in the fact that Naomi Campbell and I had the same stats. Naomi never looked bony because years of ballet gave her that awesome physique. Aaaaand now I outweigh her by almost 20lbs. Wowsers. When I put on weight, it goes right to my hips and stomach. At this point, I could easily park in the expectant mother space at the mall with no questions asked, but I'm too vain to be seen out without having sucked it in. (I have to suck so hard now, I see spots.) I've always eaten recklessly in an attempt to bulk up and...I'm Southern. You do the math. I'm a serial snacker too. I never eat A doughnut or A taco. They die together like Thelma and Louise, honey.*

I haven't had a slice of cake in years. I eat WEDGES of cake. A slice of pie doesn't exist in my world; 1/4 of the pie on my plate is how I roll. Sunday night, during the "CSI: Miami" marathon, I ate half of a Sara Lee apple streusel pie in 2 hours by eating 2 slices. I stood at the stove and stared at the remaining pie chanting to myself, "I ate half a pie. I ate half a pie." Sara Lee--or the random hair netted individual in the Sara Lee kitchen--is a bomb ass cook though, so you can't really blame me. If Paula Deen hadn't ripped her draws, I'd probably be wearing a bed sheet now. Her sour cream pound cake was the bombbbbbbbbb, and I can't find it anywhere. All I got is this pic, making my mouth water. Dang it.

Since my parting of the ways with the Retail Skid Mark, I have been doing a lot of "because it's there" eating. It was the aforementioned pie that brought the realization that I need to slow my roll and kept me from ordering my usual 2 soft tacos at Taco Bell. I only ordered one, and my stomach was still growling 5 minutes after the last bite.

When I get out of the shower (don't try to get a visual, freaks), I give myself a good once over. Cellulite on my thighs, stomach, butt, AROUND MY KNEES...If I become officially fat, I can see exactly where my "rolls" will be. When I bend over or sit down, it feels funny having all of that belly fat just above the area where my uterus is. It feels like I'm made of paper and I can feel myself creasing as I'm being folded in half. Time to fix this before it becomes unfixable and I wind up on one of those weight loss shows bursting into tears after 2 jumping jacks. I'm not being mean; I've seen it, and I don't want it to happen to me. It's sad when it happens to anyone. Planet Fitness or Curves, I'll see you in January. I'm certainly not going to start an exercise regimen now. It's 3 days before Thanksgiving, just over a month before Christmas, and I done told y'all one time I'm Southern.

The hips and ass formerly known as a size 6...

        

 *Thelma and Louise died at the end of..."Thelma and Louise." Not really sure how this could be a spoiler when you've had 23 years to see it, but ok.

Just Random Nuptual Awesomeness

People keep having awesome nontraditional weddings, both in attire and ceremony, and I just keep getting singler (not a word about how that's not a word)...I want to go nontraditional, but when I finally get married, all of the awesome ideas will have been used. I ain't above copying though. Here's the latest. Beyoncé's baby sis Solange ties the knot in NOLA and she has some stunning pics to let the world know that she's no longer one of "da single ladies." *SIGH*