Shellybird Ramblins: Another Saturday Night Wasted

Wow...I think I need a life, a date...SOMETHING. While getting Sunday dinner ready for tomorrow, I've been on the innanets, watching Lion Babe and Nina Simone videos, the type of songs that I should be trying to get 1 of my last 10 eggs fertilized to. I was also watching kitten videos because lately I've just been DRAWN to them. It's like the universe is telling me, "You're never going to find a man. Look at these cute kittens on YouTube. And pick one...or 100." Oh, and for variety I've been Google image searching Alfred Enoch from "How to Get Away With Murder", and the Harry Potter films. I'm more interested in HTGAWM Alfred. I've never seen the Harry Potter films (or read the books) and Harry Potter Alfred was a boy, so that would just be creepy. He's all growed up now though!

May I borrow a cup of sugar, suga?

I've always said that after my ex-fiancé, who was 8 years my junior and a nucking fut (switch the letters), I would never date a young guy again. Like, 5 years younger than me is the lowest I will go. Alfred is 16 years younger than me though, and I gives NO damns. He could get itttttttttttt....I'm just saying. Alas, he is taken, but he has the starting role in my fantasies. Another Saturday night wasted...Told you this post was random.

*I wrote most of this post on Saturday night, February 21st. I got around to adding the link to the cat video and posting...now.*

Sub Adventures 3: Swapsies.

Last week, I had a 2-day stint with a first grade class because their teacher had the flu. Of course, I find this out AFTER I'd been at the teachers desk for an hour touching stuff, but hey, I've had 43 decent years.

Anyway, since Valentine's day--known to us adults as Penis Christmas or the Ultimate Side-Chick Check--fell on Sunday this year, the students were going to exchange Valentines on Friday. On Thursday, one of the students --unbeknownst to me--was going around passing out Smarties. Somehow--also unbeknownst to me--"Cody" and a little girl I'll call Imani swapped a roll of his Smarties for her shiny red plastic pencil sharpener. Well, the next day, we had a reading and a spelling test. The only pencil sharpener in the classroom was broken, so Cody was generous enough to let the students use "his" pencil sharpener before the tests. Imani stood up and said, "Can I have my pencil sharpener back please?"

Cody responded, "But you gave it to ME."

I gently reminded Imani that you don't give someone something and then take it back.*
This was the day that Imani had to learn one of life's hard lessons: Don't swap food items for non-food items, except in the case of some sort of apocalyptic food shortage when exceptions can and should be made. She scarfed down her roll of Smarties on Thursday and had to come back to school on Friday--when the Smarties were probably sewage--and watch Cody traipsing around with her shiny red sharpener. I know her six-year-old soul was crushed. But Miss ****** really did not have time to play Solomon; there were tests to administer. I put the pencil sharpener on the desk with a post-it note attached explaining the situation so the teacher could make the final decision. Whenever a student needed their pencil sharpened, I let Cody know I was letting a student use it, like it was still his. HOWEVER, it was on the desk and not in Cody's hand, so Imani had nothing to cry about. (I guess I did Solomon the situation for the moment after all.) And what did we learn, chirrens?

THIS

IS NOT EQUAL TO THIS.

*I stopped short of calling it "Indian giving" because that's offensive to our Native American brothers and sisters. The teachers don't even tell students to sit on the floor "Indian style" anymore. Now it's called "criss cross applesauce"...no offense to apples. (I was being facetious there. Trust me, I'm Black. I really do understand these things.)

Shellybird Shortpost: Let It Snow???

Ever since the weather finally broke--meaning that the warm tank-top holiday season we had gave way to bonafide winter--I've been checking the forecast for snow. (My last few sub adventures, including today's shenanigans make me want a snow day even more.)

The weatherman had been all over the place for the last week with his predictions. At first we were supposed to get a half-inch to 2 inches by tomorrow. It's 50° today though. Can temps like that foster any accumulating precip? I don't see how. During lunch at school today, the teachers and I were talking about what we'd been hearing. I looked at the Weather Channel app on my phone and saw rain drops for today and 1 huge snowflake on the Friday graphic.  Well cool, a 3 or 4 day weekend would work. I just looked again (after school) and it's gone.  No snow in the forecast at all, except for an ALLEGED snow/rain mix next Tuesday which will do me no good at all now. I don't want an ice storm, just 4 or 5 fluffy inches of the white stuff. Around here, that's all we need to close school. I know I said in a previous post that I was good on snow. I'm taking that back. Today. Am I the ONLY sub who needs snow days? Is there a substitute teacher support group? I need answers.

SERIOUSLY?!

*The preceding YouTube video is not my property, but Lord knows we share the same sentiments.*

I Ain't 'Fraid of No Art...Anymore...I Guess

I was just laying on couch enjoying my weekend--although I think I could get MORE enjoyment out of it if I weren't single. But that's another post that may or may not get written. I figured I'd share my experience subbing the art class at the middle school yesterday. Since you're reading this, you know it didn't kill me.

*BACKSTORY* I have a love/hate relationship with the visual arts. I love looking at it, but I hate trying to create it, and I'm INSANELY jealous of anyone with an affinity for the visual arts. I mean seriously, I love what y'all do, but you make me sick.

I remember the day I came to hate art. I was in first grade, and the teachers aide held up the beginnings of my marshmallow head witch and used it as an example of how NOT to cut the black construction paper circle that would be the witch's skirt. "This is how you don't want yours to look, with all of these jagged edges" she said to the class. I was crushed because when she stopped my furious, left-handed snipping--replete with my tongue hanging out--I just knew she was going to give a little sista some dap for doing such a great job. After that, whenever the art teachers would come around (it was an itinerant position), I would get knots in my stomach. It was like, "What will I f*ck up this time?" Actually, my language wasn't that salty back then but that was certainly my feeling. When I finished elementary school and didn't have to fool with trying to cut, paste, shape or paint anything ever again, I was a happy black gal. True story.

So, anycow...back to yesterday. I won't even go into the behavior of the students. Trying to get middle schoolers--even the artsy ones, even the smart ones--to listen to a sub is a fools errand. Apparently the art teacher leaves some random art project for kids to work on in her absence. The step-by-step intructions were on the board and materials were laid out. There was even an example to show the students how the finished product should look--some of them STILL didn't do it to the teachers specs but whatevs. Basically, the kids had to trace a valentine on a piece of white paper, use a ruler to draw lines through the valentine and all the way across the paper. Then they had to trace the lines with black sharpie and fill in all sections with design and color. The finished product should have looked more or less like this:

That one is MINE believe it or not. The ruler helped a lot, although it still looks kinda rough. The kids with a natural affinity for visual art (that know how to follow directions) had some breathtaking pictures. One girl got frustrated and said, "I can't even draw! I just took this class to fill up my schedule!" I chuckled internally because I felt her pain, and her picture looked even rougher than mine, poor child. I gave each and every one of the students compliments and words of encouragement as I walked around the room. They can work a nerve, but I totally care about them.

Soooooo...If there's another sub opportunity for Art 6, 7, 8, I'll take it. It's not like they'll be making replicas of the Venus De Milo. Then again, if they are, I volunteer to do the arms. I know you're thinking, "But Shellybird, the Venus De Milo ain't got no arms!" Sho ya right... * smirk*

Sub Adventures 2: A Very Bad Day

I subbed at the middle school today. It was a half-day gig. Substitutes aren't salary employees, so the shorter the work day, the shorter the paycheck. Be that as it may, I was glad to give the 6am alarm the bypass.

I went into this gig with optimism. My hair and outfit were cute as all get out. Don't get it twisted and think that I am trying to turn the heads of teenage boys because that ain't it. On Oprah YEARS ago, some makeup guru/stylist told the audience and viewers that we should always strive to be "as cute as you can be" before leaving the house.

That stuck with me. If I don't look good, I don't feel good. That said, my outfit, hair, and the thought of a half-day at work tricked me into believing that today would be a good day. That was not the case.

When I checked in, I was informed that I would have to sub a music class at 2:00pm. No biggie. I'm used to being "farmed out" to other classes when the planning period rolls around. I'm not a "real" teacher. What do I have to plan? I went to the first leg of my sub journey for the day, and the teacher told me what worksheets to pass out and she told me which student would be the most troublesome. Turns out, half the class was disrespectful AF. I mean, what part of "Stop talking" did they not get? And they weren't having having any deep intelligent discussions, either, just talking for the sake of NOT doing what the sub said and cutting their eyes at me to see the reaction. Their assignment was 53 multiple choice questions based on a chapter in the text book. They could use their BOOKS AND NOTES to find the answers, but they still acted like it was a struggle. (When they're actually tested on the material, hilarity will ensue, I'm sure.) All of a sudden, 30 minutes into an hour and 40 minute class session, I had to pee like a racehorse. Can't leave the kids unattended nowadays like they did when I was coming up. Since I wasn't blessed with a paraprofessional to sit in with me, I was stuck. I didn't want to risk having to shuffle out of the classroom with my legs crossed, so I called the office to ask for some relief. I used that word and there was a whole lot of playing dumb. I finally muttered "restroom" into the phone, and the Secretary said she would call me back.

Finally, some lady--an assistant principal...fuq if I know--came in with this look on her face like I was the worst person in the world for needing to pee. Interesting, since I roll up in that joint to cover teachers for 7 hours and put up with all manner of disrespect, but it takes an act of congress to get a 3 minute bathroom break???? OOOOKAY. *SIDE-eye* They could have sent one of the custodians for all I cared. I would have grabbed one of they'd been cleaning that area of the school at the time.

Anyway, I came back and thanked the woman twice--she was acting like she didn't hear me the first time. Worksheets started creeping in slowly. The chatter had gotten so bad that I put a check ✔ in the top right-hand corner of the QUIET students' papers. I tapped the stack of papers on the desk and the 8 bracelets I was wearing made a comforting (to me, and I needed it) clacking sound. This student who had been running off at the mouth the ENTIRE time told me it was disrupting her. Her classmate told her that she should have said, "Miss ******, your bracelets are distracting. Could you stop that please?" I responded that her talking was disruptive but she didn't stop when I asked her to and gave my best Kanye shrug (perfected after I started subbing middle school).

Before heading to the other class, I had to pop 2 headache pills in the teachers' lounge.

I got to the building where the next class is held. I knocked at the door which has a glass panel to see in and out. I was peeking in because I didn't see the teacher. His desk was in the corner of the room. If something pops off, HOW will he KNOW???? Can you say, "eff'd up feng shui", boys and girls? A cluster of girls saw me peering in, and squealed "Who IS that?!". Another yelled, "She ugly!" just as a student opened the door for me. Did the teacher reprimand them? NOPE. I looked at the student, rolled my eyes, and made my way over to the teacher and introduced myself--side-eyeing him for the lack of discipline. Turns out I would sub a combined chorus and band class because a few of the students were performing for some great Revolutionary War commemoration in town and had to go practice.

Since this post is going to be about as long as the Old Testament anyway, let me give you some backstory. I'm intelligent, but I didn't apply myself in school. I was too busy dreaming of sharing the runways with Naomi Campbell, marrying George Michael, and dates with boys who didn't know I was alive. My GPA always hovered between a low B and high C. I held honor society members, honor students, student-athletes, and the artsy fartsy types in high regard. To my eyes, they carried themselves differently. They seemed  so much more focused...so much better. It was that school of thought that led to me missing an incident in which a girl walked up to another and slapped her in the face.

I was still pissed about trying to GO piss earlier and was working on this blog post while glancing at the students every 2 or 3 sentences. I found out about it when I asked the victim what time the dismissal bell would ring. She looked over her shoulder and said, "That girl slapped me in the face." *EGADS* When I asked which one, she pointed to the back row and said it was the black girl. There was a Latina, a white, and 2 black girls sitting there. One of the black ones was looking at me right cheap, so I assumed it was her. She was about to take the fall when the other black girl copped to the slap. I was furiously writing it all down when the Latina (who turned out to be black, most likely mixed) came up and said, "I slapped her across the face, but I was just playing." W.......T........F........I lectured her about personal space and especially putting her hand in someone's face. The victim laughed it off eventually, but still I felt like it was bad enough I didn't see it. The teacher needed to know. These kids can't run around thinking they can do this crap just like I can't run around thinking that students with artistic inclinations will be better behaved.  I also took the black-like-me (nonmixed) girls aside and lectured them on taking the fall for shit they didn't do. I mean, that's a favor with very little or no return. Did my lectures sink in? Who knows? Probably not. I left school vowing to only sub elementary school from now on. I went on subfinder and the only two jobs available were at the middle school. After some soul searching and meditation, I selected one. Sixth, seventh, and 8th grade art today. I'm the adult, not them. I won't let those whippersnappers run me off...But please Jesus, don't let any of my students from today know how to draw. Amen.

*Edit* I don't known what happened with my fonts. This thing gets on my nerves sometimes. Goodnight. 

Snow Daze

Welp, another month of Sundays has passed since my last post. What can I even say? Some of my favorite bloggers have been m.i.a. as well, so...I guess we're just writers who don't write everyday?

I'm still enjoying the sub gig. It's the only one I have left since November, when I was informed VIA TEXT that my services at the radio station were no longer needed. It's a side-eyeable situation, but not worth fighting considering how little they paid me anyway. Somehow, I managed to go from 3 jobs to 1 in about a year, but some people don't even have one so I shan't complain.

You know what's great about working for the school system--OTHER THAN making a difference? Time off! Thanksgiving break (including Black Friday), Christmas break, spring break, summer break...Simply AWESOME! What tops that is the weather-related closings. Heavy rains with tremendous flood potential, snow, sleet, or freezing rain could mean that the buses don't roll...in which case, neither do I. That will change once I become a full-nowdged educator. When there are school closings because of bad weather, teachers and other staff may have to go in if it's not too crazy. (They have employee codes A, B, and C to let them know what to do.) Until I get my teacher's licence though, its the lush life for me! I know it sounds like I'm in the education biz for the breaks, but that is not true. It's a definite perk after 15 years in retail though. I DO NOT MISS cornball managers who try to penalize you for missing work because the roads are icy. I DO NOT MISS deliberating on whether or not I can make it in to work and what might happen if I have to miss. I DO NOT MISS foolishly trying to get to work on ice and snow, sliding all over the roads like I want to be paralyzed from the neck down, like funerals are free, like my mama's heart wouldn't be broken in two. SCREW THAT. SCREW ALL OF THAT. Seriously.

Just a couple of weeks ago, we got almost a foot of snow here, #Blizzard2016. I subbed the Wednesday before it hit and school was closed from Thursday until the following Wednesday. I live in a small town in VA. A New Jersey friend of mine scoffed at my video of the falling snow, saying that we were getting "10 flakes and hour". I swear, yankees are like that old relative who brags to the younger generations about walking to school "10 miles uphill" in snow. Like, could you SHUT UP and let us have this, please? Thanks!

Temps are in the 60's during the day right now, and we've been getting rain. The only snow that's left here are those big, dirty mounds in the parking lots.  Yet I am STILL thanking God that the power didn't go out. Talk about so many blessings you don't have room to receive...but I made room, honey! You can believe that! I had snacks and reading materials a plenty. I was so content and relaxed until Monday when that cabin fever set in and I was ready to hit the ROAD. If I regret anything about that time, it's the fact that I didn't read much or write anything, although that was my plan. 

Unused reading and writing materials

I spent my my time on my phone--my tablet isn't working atm--on social media. For the most part, the only thing social media does for me anymore is allow me to justify my crown as the Queen of Judgey Haters...There's just so much material, no? 

To be honest though, I am good on snow and snow days for right now because they mess with my money. Next time there's a significant snow event, I hope I use my time wisely. Maybe I'll write something worth being bought and published to make up for the cheddar I lose sitting at home.