Then I started again after a month...Smh. I'm so glad that I'm not addicted to anything stronger than nicotine because my flesh is WEAK. I've been a smoker since 2000. I started a few weeks before my 28th birthday. How's that for an early present? Other smokers have chastised me for starting so late. Okayyyyyyyy...Um, many people started smoking while they were still in their teens or preteens. At least I didn't break the law. So THERE.
But why did I start? Well, at the time I was engaged. My fiance (that I worked with at the Retail Cesspool) was emotionally abusive and controlling. This particular long story short, the majority of our time together was spent with him telling me who I could and could not talk to, especially men, while he did basically whatever the hell he pleased--with and to other women. I mean, he literally made a list of the men that I was allowed to talk to--and it was a short list--consisting of 2 of his friends (also co-workers) who were already boo'd up, another co-worker who was probably in his mid 60's at the time, his dad, his two brothers, and his brother-in-law. Yet every time we went out, he was introducing me to his female "friends" that we encountered pretty much everywhere. (Apparently, he had a thing for hood boogers and trash; it was truly a miracle of biblical proportions that I tested clean--The Miracle of the Trojans.) Working in retail, where you have to be nice and make eye contact with everyone, this shambling scrub had me walking around with my head down, looking like a fool. See, he threatened to kill anyone that I talked to who wasn't on the list. I was too afraid to disobey. One day, a female co-worker came up to me and told me that he was cheating on me with someone at work (and I later found out there were others). She told me that she thought I was a really nice person and had heard I was saving myself for marriage (he was indeed my first but we decided to do it before the wedding) and she said I deserved to know what he was doing. I was already having misgivings about walking down the aisle with this miscreant, and this sealed the deal. I was so shocked and hurt though that I had to calm my nerves immediately. Since this revelation was made to me during my shift at the Retail Cesspool, drinking was out of the question, plus I had to drive home. I'd heard co-workers who smoke say that cigarettes calmed their nerves, so I decided give it a try, and the rest is history.
I broke up with the guy soon after the revelation, but it has been much harder to break up with the cigarettes that aren't treating me any better than he did, and could kill me someday...Oh, addiction, you wacky bastard...But you know what? Out of my many (failed) attempts to quit smoking, this latest one felt different. After the first 3 days--quitters know that's the hellacious time when you shake the physical addiction--I was enjoying not smoking and not smelling like smoke. During that piddly month as a non-smoker, I became as snobby as those people who've never smoked and are all self-righteous about it, minus the unsolicited lectures. (Y'all make me sick by the way.) My sense of smell was sharper than it had been in years, and I could tell who smoked with just a whif of their breeze as they walked by. Heavy smokers standing in front of me at HN&S made me want to gag--they smelled like ashtrays. I could even tell which of my students were around a smoker at home. Smoking around kids is pretty low, in case you hadn't heard. *side note* I once saw a family get into their car with a newborn and the mama lit a cigarette. It was winter time so they didn't have the windows down so the baby wouldn't catch it's death of cold...But wait.
I never once purchased a carton of cigarettes. I bought them a pack at a time, and it was nice having an extra $20 a week. My speaking and singing voice was so much clearer. The rasp that I had acquired soon disappeared. I've seen videos of singers who sang and smoke at the same time, and I'm just like, how, Sway? I lost all of my high notes, and I want them back.
So whyyyyy did I start back? You know, I really missed smoking. I missed it. Since I started back this time though, I haven't gotten the same type of enjoyment out of it. When I first started, I hid my newly acquired habit it from my family, so when I knew I would have a chance to be by myself and light up, it was almost like a turn-on. I literally felt like I was sneaking off to meet a lover. I got that feeling all the years I smoked, during church, during school, during sorority meetings. "Soon as I get out of here, I'm going to see my boo, Nic." I haven't been getting that feeling this go-round. Ironically, it feels more like when you finally break up with an asshole you were dating but for some dumb reason, you take him back. With every cigarette now, it's more like, "Bitch, why is you here?!"
And I guess I stink again. Anyone who smokes knows that perfume or cologne doesn't camouflage that smell.
Actually, writing this is almost cathartic enough to make me try quitting again, and hopefully really stick with it this time. I'm sort of apprehensive though. I'm afraid of the cravings. I'm afraid of being desperate for a cigarette when I know I shouldn't have one. I'm afraid of falling off the wagon. A friend and former co-worker from my radio days was an overweight smoker. She quit after having gall bladder surgery and being hospitalized and unable to drive after the procedure. I was standing in one of the offices smoking and she came from the studio and rhapsodized about my delicious second-hand smoke. I offered her a cigarette and she said, "I would rather gain back double the weight that I lost after my surgery and have to lose it all over than try to quit smoking again." I've always had an issue keeping weight on me, but over the years I've thought about what she said and it pretty much explains in a nutshell what quitting is like. It's hard as hell, and I'm afraid I'm not up to it and afraid of struggling. I need to be this afraid of dying of a smoking related cancer with a hole in my throat and my face all bloated like my daddy did. (Daddy looked like Bob Marley without the dreads before he got sick.) If I wasn't "too dumb to be scared" his death almost 10 years ago would have been the deciding factor in me putting the cancer sticks down for good. So I guess I'll scramble back up on the wagon after I finish the pack I'm on. I can't quit if I have cigarettes, even if I tear them up and throw them in the trash. I remember digging through the trashcan and finding a few cigarettes that weren't completely destroyed and I smoked them, because these wacky bastard that is addiction. So out of sight, out of mind is the route I will take. No more dumpster diving for the kid. Wish me luck.
But why did I start? Well, at the time I was engaged. My fiance (that I worked with at the Retail Cesspool) was emotionally abusive and controlling. This particular long story short, the majority of our time together was spent with him telling me who I could and could not talk to, especially men, while he did basically whatever the hell he pleased--with and to other women. I mean, he literally made a list of the men that I was allowed to talk to--and it was a short list--consisting of 2 of his friends (also co-workers) who were already boo'd up, another co-worker who was probably in his mid 60's at the time, his dad, his two brothers, and his brother-in-law. Yet every time we went out, he was introducing me to his female "friends" that we encountered pretty much everywhere. (Apparently, he had a thing for hood boogers and trash; it was truly a miracle of biblical proportions that I tested clean--The Miracle of the Trojans.) Working in retail, where you have to be nice and make eye contact with everyone, this shambling scrub had me walking around with my head down, looking like a fool. See, he threatened to kill anyone that I talked to who wasn't on the list. I was too afraid to disobey. One day, a female co-worker came up to me and told me that he was cheating on me with someone at work (and I later found out there were others). She told me that she thought I was a really nice person and had heard I was saving myself for marriage (he was indeed my first but we decided to do it before the wedding) and she said I deserved to know what he was doing. I was already having misgivings about walking down the aisle with this miscreant, and this sealed the deal. I was so shocked and hurt though that I had to calm my nerves immediately. Since this revelation was made to me during my shift at the Retail Cesspool, drinking was out of the question, plus I had to drive home. I'd heard co-workers who smoke say that cigarettes calmed their nerves, so I decided give it a try, and the rest is history.
I broke up with the guy soon after the revelation, but it has been much harder to break up with the cigarettes that aren't treating me any better than he did, and could kill me someday...Oh, addiction, you wacky bastard...But you know what? Out of my many (failed) attempts to quit smoking, this latest one felt different. After the first 3 days--quitters know that's the hellacious time when you shake the physical addiction--I was enjoying not smoking and not smelling like smoke. During that piddly month as a non-smoker, I became as snobby as those people who've never smoked and are all self-righteous about it, minus the unsolicited lectures. (Y'all make me sick by the way.) My sense of smell was sharper than it had been in years, and I could tell who smoked with just a whif of their breeze as they walked by. Heavy smokers standing in front of me at HN&S made me want to gag--they smelled like ashtrays. I could even tell which of my students were around a smoker at home. Smoking around kids is pretty low, in case you hadn't heard. *side note* I once saw a family get into their car with a newborn and the mama lit a cigarette. It was winter time so they didn't have the windows down so the baby wouldn't catch it's death of cold...But wait.
I never once purchased a carton of cigarettes. I bought them a pack at a time, and it was nice having an extra $20 a week. My speaking and singing voice was so much clearer. The rasp that I had acquired soon disappeared. I've seen videos of singers who sang and smoke at the same time, and I'm just like, how, Sway? I lost all of my high notes, and I want them back.
 |
| How, Lana?! :'( |
So whyyyyy did I start back? You know, I really missed smoking. I missed it. Since I started back this time though, I haven't gotten the same type of enjoyment out of it. When I first started, I hid my newly acquired habit it from my family, so when I knew I would have a chance to be by myself and light up, it was almost like a turn-on. I literally felt like I was sneaking off to meet a lover. I got that feeling all the years I smoked, during church, during school, during sorority meetings. "Soon as I get out of here, I'm going to see my boo, Nic." I haven't been getting that feeling this go-round. Ironically, it feels more like when you finally break up with an asshole you were dating but for some dumb reason, you take him back. With every cigarette now, it's more like, "Bitch, why is you here?!"
And I guess I stink again. Anyone who smokes knows that perfume or cologne doesn't camouflage that smell.
Actually, writing this is almost cathartic enough to make me try quitting again, and hopefully really stick with it this time. I'm sort of apprehensive though. I'm afraid of the cravings. I'm afraid of being desperate for a cigarette when I know I shouldn't have one. I'm afraid of falling off the wagon. A friend and former co-worker from my radio days was an overweight smoker. She quit after having gall bladder surgery and being hospitalized and unable to drive after the procedure. I was standing in one of the offices smoking and she came from the studio and rhapsodized about my delicious second-hand smoke. I offered her a cigarette and she said, "I would rather gain back double the weight that I lost after my surgery and have to lose it all over than try to quit smoking again." I've always had an issue keeping weight on me, but over the years I've thought about what she said and it pretty much explains in a nutshell what quitting is like. It's hard as hell, and I'm afraid I'm not up to it and afraid of struggling. I need to be this afraid of dying of a smoking related cancer with a hole in my throat and my face all bloated like my daddy did. (Daddy looked like Bob Marley without the dreads before he got sick.) If I wasn't "too dumb to be scared" his death almost 10 years ago would have been the deciding factor in me putting the cancer sticks down for good. So I guess I'll scramble back up on the wagon after I finish the pack I'm on. I can't quit if I have cigarettes, even if I tear them up and throw them in the trash. I remember digging through the trashcan and finding a few cigarettes that weren't completely destroyed and I smoked them, because these wacky bastard that is addiction. So out of sight, out of mind is the route I will take. No more dumpster diving for the kid. Wish me luck.
No comments:
Post a Comment