Dirty Cash I Want You; Dirty Cash I Need You...

Ok...I say this all the time when co-workers at the Retail Hell ask me if I'm working the following night: "Not if I win the lottery." Welp, you can't win if you don't play, and I rarely play. I might buy a $1 or $2 scratcher a couple of times a year and I "break even" occasionally.  My largest winnings to date? Fifty dollars, which I split with Mommy. At this point though, some lottery winnings are a nice little fantasy for someone with over a decade of retail (and COUNTING) under their belt. I am burned out, disconnected, totally jaded, and ready to get the hell OUT. Guess what kiddies? At the time I am writing this, the Powerball jackpot is up to $400 MILLION. A Shellybird is ALL IN...I don't need $400 million dollars, which after taxes is $3.75, I think? All I want is enough seed money to get me settled in here:

For any amoebas who may have stumbled upon this and don't know what city Lady Liberty represents, here ya go:

The way I see it, if I WIN some money, I won't have to cash in my inferior 401K to move there, and subsequently wind up eating cat food when I get old. *shrug* I know it's a long shot,  but a bird can dream. So, wish me luck, as I wish for you if you're playing. Although I am not going to wish you so much luck that you win my money.

I always said that when my ship came in enabling me to go over the Retail Hell wall, I wasn't going to give a notice and didn't want a going away party. (They love to fête people on my job. Potluck style.) Nice gesture, but I got food at the house. I am just ready to go. However, I changed my mind about the notice:

That's the equivalent of a 1 day notice, amoebas, and I'll sashay out of there chuckin' deuces like a boss.

Where's My Hockey Mask And Machete?!?!

So many sex crazed teens, blondes in stilettos, and token black folks died needlessly...if only they'd listened. :'-(

The Black Julia Sugarbaker Rides Again or...I Know He Di'nt

In keeping with my doc's advice to try finding love online--um...facebook ain't working--I started an account on OkCupid. An acquaintance told me that's how she met her man. I should have asked how long it took. I guess I'm looking for "Instant romance: Just Add Water." (Don't worry about a water shortage due to my quest for "fastlove"; I will just use my tears...) Well, I have gotten a few messages, and lot's of compliments on my profile pic, although I am not feeling anyone yet. Then THIS happens (The words in the gray boxes are MINE, and I am quite proud of them):

 Too bad this was all online....I would have loved to say it the way Dixie Carter would have on "Designing Women." Like Julia Sugarbaker, Shellybird don't play.

***UPDATE***

THEN, this right here happened:

I wasn't expecting an apology. What a pleasant surprise. I really wasn't up for a back-and-forth anyway, but I could have held my own, OBVIOUSLY. Interestingly enough, our match rating has ratcheted up to a whopping 72%. The devil is a LIE. *sigh* The search continues...

Shellybird Ramblins

Deviled ham is the bougie first cousin of potted meat...I hope y'all know that.

*shrug* I'm just sayin'.

The Post That Wasn't Supposed To Be About Frozen Pizza

I work the graveyard shift at the Retail Circus, 10pm-7am. I am off tonight--thank-you, Jesus--but still on that 3rd shift clock internally. (I only sleep normal people hours on vacay or if I am out of work because of illness.) It's about 3:30am in my lil' chunk of the Dirty South. If I were at work, I would be wrapping up my lunch break now, but thank-you Jesus once again, I am off, spending a leisurely late night/early morning watching cartoons, writing, and fixing dinner. Let's give it up for the multitasker.

My pallette isn't the most refined, actually it's obtuse 75% of the time, as evidenced by my love for frozen pizza, and it's what's for dinner tonight/this morning. I was born and raised on frozen pizza and any little pizza themed treat that came down the pike, i.e., pizza rolls. Now, my Mommy is a great cook, but even us lil' chilluns down South were suckers for those convenience foods with their bells and whistles advertising. I remember many days when my cousins and I got off the school bus in the afternoon and ran in my grandma's house to be regaled by a Chef Boyardee pizza, a Fox Deluxe or Totino's Party Pizza, or *clutch my pearls* Jeno's Pizza Rolls! Below are links to commercials for Jeno's Pizza Rolls that caused me to subject Mommy to a litany of "gimme's" and "I want summa dem's".

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nwxPIHisS-M

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jNjc-jL7AF4

I am older now, and maybe my pallette is burned out, but I just don't find those brands appetizing anymore...especially Totino's, UGH!--sorry. I have graduated, if you will, to more high-quality frozen pizzas like Newman's Own, DiGiorno's, and my latest Food Lion discovery:

Yep, German frozen pizza...go figure. There's something kinda middle-man about that to this 'Merican, but it looked so appetizing on the box and before I cooked it, that I had to give It a go.

Welp, the verdict is in: Simply yummy! Pepperoni pizza with real mozerella, cherry tomato slices, AND pesto...wish I'd thought of that. (There are also meatless varietys in this brand, but Shellybird don't play that.) Pizza pepperoni pesto was something I really needed in my life...so is some good hot sex. When I stumble upon summa dat, there will be no pics. Sorry.

That's All?!

So...a Facebook friend that I chat with regularly hurt his back. I was going to inbox him a pic of a sexy maid and tell him that he needed one to wait on him until he could get around better. Off I go to Google Images to find a Black model in a sexy French maid getup. I'm Black, so I figured an accurate representation would be best since I was referring to ME anyways. Welp, I found a whole lotta dis:

ONE a dese:

Anddddd right much a dis:

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not trying to knock my people's  history of servitude in this country. Shoot, my Mommy was a maid in the 60's. As a result, she refuses to watch "The Help." Her words: "Why would I want to see that?! I lived it!" I guess I am just a little surprised/disappointed that I couldn't find a sexy Black maid for my friend during a flirty facetious moment. Hell, the media sexualizes everything ELSE. Why not get the Black maid out of the kitchen and into the boudoir to snap dem sheets? I am grateful, however for the friendly reminder/slap in the face regarding my history, so I won't squander any of the opportunities I am given. Wrecked my flirt game, though.

Watch Your Mouth...

I am a Southern Belle, born and raised in Virginia. I am proud of my heritage, culture and the way I was raised. There are sooo many things I can't STAND: profanity (although I do curse and you have seen and will see some "words" here from time to time) ill-mannered people, men who don't hold open doors for women, emptyness... And what's the deal with this new (to me) trend of taking pics with your middle finger up? Crass...In light of the crap I went through with Daniel though, I will make 2 exceptions:

That is all.